Subway etiquette and my anger

supergirl

Hi,

I want to share an incident that just happened and to know what you guys would have done instead:

I was on the C train coming home from the city, sitting with two bags of food and groceries. I usually try to get a corner seat to avoid the "slide left/right" ordeal of the center seats, but I was unsuccessful and took a mid seat. At one point, a group of people got on I thought were all related. Two young women sat to the right of me, a young girl sat to the right of them and the man stood. At that point, all the seats were taken except the one to my left.

As the train departed, one of the women asked me to move. Of course, I didn't want to slide a full body length to the left to make a whole group comfortable. The father protested, "No, that's okay", so I didn't move. The train went three stops, during which the girl stood up to join her father. That's when I realized the 4 were just two and two. That's when I got mad.

Who were these girls to tell me to move?! If they really wanted the father to have a seat with the daughter, why didn't one of them stand up?

That's what I would have done, to inconvenience someone with a load of stuff. I didn't say anything until the family exited and then I lit into the girls, telling them they were rude. They looked at me shocked, but then one just pulled out her coffee and started to talk to the other one about me.

At the last city stop, there was standing room only, except, again for the space (less than it was originally). A woman asked to sit down. I said, "of course" and let her sit between me and those girls.

Here, at home, I still hold my position, especially when I've noticed more rude "hipster" types riding the train. The other day, I was waiting for the train to work and they two go at it french-kissing right in front of me, blocking my view of the train in the tunnel.

I'm really getting sick of people. I only get really angry when I feel wronged. Anyone else have stories to share?

bifteck

Yes, if the two women were so concerned for the other people, they should have gotten up, not asked you -- a total stranger to both themselves and the other two -- to move for them. I don't know if I would call it rude, but it's definitely outside the social norm and makes for an awkward situation that certainly wasn't necessary.

anonymous

So...all you had to do was slide down one space and everyone could sit? Even with 2 bags, doesn't seem like a huge deal to me. Yes, one girl could have stood up so the man could sit next to his daughter. But why couldn't everyone have a seat? Maybe I am misunderstanding the situation though...

anonymous

It seems to me that you were in the wrong. Especially since you "lit into" them after the father said it was okay for you to stay put. At least he had some decorum.

supergirl

Anonymous wrote: So...all you had to do was slide down one space and everyone could sit? Even with 2 bags, doesn't seem like a huge deal to me. Yes, one girl could have stood up so the man could sit next to his daughter. But why couldn't everyone have a seat? Maybe I am misunderstanding the situation though...

No, you have it right, and I wonder why I got so mad. I was tired with a threatening migraine (long day at work). Having people tell you what to do all day and then two strangers telling you what to do when your comfortable and want to just relax. If the dad had asked me directly I would have moved.

I just found the whole request pretentious.

supergirl

guesty wrote: At least he had some decorum.

Like I said, I thought it was pretentious, just like your answer here. I appreciate the fact that you thought I was wrong, just not the second part of the reply.

anonymous

You got angry about two people kissing and thereby blocking your view of the tunnel? Not sure if I'm understanding that one correctly either.

supergirl

Gguest wrote: You got angry about two people kissing and thereby blocking your view of the tunnel? Not sure if I'm understanding that one correctly either.

I'll try to describe it better: Along the yellow hazard line are people looking left to see the train. You feel the wind and look and see the lights in the tunnel. Train is approaching. Two people step in front of you, see the lights, then start frenching, blocking your view of the train. Plus, you hate HATE PDA (especially when you can't look away).

Okay, I tied these two events together but they happened at separate times. I usually don't get verbally angry with people. I'm beginning to think holding it in is not good either, because when a pet peeve hits me, I :evil:

anonymous

Sorry you don't like PDA. The subway has lots to offer that's irritating but don't let it make you crazy: :twisted:

jbran

I totally respect where you're coming from. I personally don't find their request rude and I would have moved, but I know that feeling of other people's lack of manners or whatever invading your day. It's hard not to get mad, even when you know it's irrational. I think if we all took a moment to try to be friendly/polite/efficient on our public transit, it would be great. That sounds really pollyanna, but it's my utopic ideal.

carlton banks

Sounds like you need a vacation... I don't think the request was overly inappropriate and I assume people have a right to kiss in public as long as they are clothed. We all get annoyed occasionally but I think you may have been hypersensitive that day...

hamilton

[quote="Gguest"]You got angry about two people kissing ************************

Were they transit cops?

anonymous

Not to antagonize you, but I actually think you were being rude not to slide down so that everyone could sit down. You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder or are just extremely angry. I find people who don't move to make it easy for everyone to sit down to be incredibly rude and selfish. You knew that the man would like to sit with his daughter/friend, the other two women could tell as well, but you couldn't be bothered to be courteous and slide down because you'd rather have one of the two woman get up and stand? Makes no sense and is spiteful.

anonymous

I'm with guest. It sounds like you had an entitlement passive/aggressive issue. You were aware of the dynamic and the nice thing to do would have been to just move down even with your bags of groceries. Please. If you can't handle your bags on the subway then take a cab. It's people like you that need to get over themselves and learn a little etiquette.

You're just mad that you got called out.

anonymous

In the last few weeks I've seen all sorts of madness on the trains. Is it me or does it seem that the holidays bring out the worst in people sometimes?

The day before Thanksgiving I was riding the A train into the city. I got on at Utica and it was pretty crowded, rush hour and all. I stood holding the pole. Several stops later and a woman gets on at High St. and pushed her way through with no "Excuse me" or anything. Not that that is particularly alarming or unusual, unfortunately. The train cleared at Broadway/Nassau and a seat vacated right in front of me which I took. Mind you, this seat was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and required no manneuvering, no pushing, nothing. In fact, it was easier to sit in this seat than to continue standing. The woman who got on at High St apparently spied it, made a dash for it while pushing someone into the pole but I was already sitting in it. I didn't even realize what was going on until I saw the look on her face. What killed me is I really don't even care that much about getting a seat. I take the A every morning, I'm used to standing! I'll always give my seat up to someone who needs it more and an aggressive move by someone else will always win the seat. This woman proceeded to stand about 2 feet away from me calling me a bitch over and over. I had headphones on but saw the lips moving. At this point I just looked up at her with eyebrows raised and looked her dead in the eye. She's still mouthing "bitch" and I responded with "Have a nice day, sugar." She promptly moved out of my line of vision. This is when a woman in front of me started laughing and told me how she had just been pushed into a the pole by this same woman in her dash for the seat. And somehow I was the bitch. Ha.

slappy

Anonymous wrote: I'm with guest. It sounds like you had an entitlement passive/aggressive issue. You were aware of the dynamic and the nice thing to do would have been to just move down even with your bags of groceries. Please. If you can't handle your bags on the subway then take a cab. It's people like you that need to get over themselves and learn a little etiquette.

You're just mad that you got called out.

guest and guest beat me to this: supergirl, the starter of this thread, is the rude and inconsiderate one. it's people like her that make it harder for everyone else. stop being part of the problem.

stacey

Save your anger for the idiots who:

stand in the doorway when you get on and off the train (if this sounds like you and you have been elbowed by a woman getting off the train - that was me).

or the men who think their balls are soo big that they have to sit with their legs wide open thus taking up two spaces.

Now had either of these species crossed your path then I can understand your anger but not sliding over is just a little too selfish.

anonymous

or my personal favorite: POLE-HUGGERS!

I LOVE being on a crowded A train in the morning and not being able to hold onto a pole because somebody has wrapped themselves around it thereby making it unavailable for anyone to use.

queencallipygos

Anonymous wrote: I'm with guest. It sounds like you had an entitlement passive/aggressive issue. You were aware of the dynamic and the nice thing to do would have been to just move down even with your bags of groceries. Please. If you can't handle your bags on the subway then take a cab. It's people like you that need to get over themselves and learn a little etiquette.

I'm...not sure that this is the case. I think that somehow her message got garbled a bit -- I don't think she had her bags ON the seat, just that she had bags in her possession. And -- okay, Miss Manners would probably say the scrupulously correct thing would have been to move over, but I don't think not moving over is the flaw in etiquette everyone is saying it is. You did say that if the father had asked, you would have moved, yes? As far as I'm concerned, that's good, and I think it actually may have been rude of the other women to call you on it (hell, there could be any number of very, very valid reasons why you specifically sat where you did, and who were they to judge?)

But I'm chiming in a HELL, YES on the people who stand directly in front of the doors or sit with spread-wide legs.

jackson

you should have just slid down. One spot? I mean, c'mon...

rtraindweller

Anonymous wrote: or my personal favorite: POLE-HUGGERS!

I LOVE being on a crowded A train in the morning and not being able to hold onto a pole because somebody has wrapped themselves around it thereby making it unavailable for anyone to use.

i call them Pole-Sloths! they embrace that pole as if it were a long lost child hood toy and everyone else on the train is trying to take it from them.

anonymous

I am totally jacking "POLE-SLOTHS" from you!!

(of course I will give credit to you, though!)

boogieknight

Hell to the yeah - Wide Sitters :x

Seriously if what you got down there is making it so you can't close your legs anymore than that?

You should see a doctor, 'cause that aint right.

Also like to add - Loud Ass Headphones.

People I don't know what you're listening to, but it sounds awful. And is everybody listening to crazy loud techno or do the headphones just make it sound that way?

anonymous

queencallipygos wrote: [quote=Anonymous]I'm with guest. It sounds like you had an entitlement passive/aggressive issue. You were aware of the dynamic and the nice thing to do would have been to just move down even with your bags of groceries. Please. If you can't handle your bags on the subway then take a cab. It's people like you that need to get over themselves and learn a little etiquette.

I'm...not sure that this is the case. I think that somehow her message got garbled a bit -- I don't think she had her bags ON the seat, just that she had bags in her possession. And -- okay, Miss Manners would probably say the scrupulously correct thing would have been to move over, but I don't think not moving over is the flaw in etiquette everyone is saying it is. You did say that if the father had asked, you would have moved, yes? As far as I'm concerned, that's good, and I think it actually may have been rude of the other women to call you on it (hell, there could be any number of very, very valid reasons why you specifically sat where you did, and who were they to judge?)

But I'm chiming in a HELL, YES on the people who stand directly in front of the doors or sit with spread-wide legs.

I'm not saying she had her bags on the seat. Part of her issue about sliding down one seat was that she was juggling shopping bags. The act of asking somebody to move down who clearly does not realize that they are inconveniencing other riders is not in itself rude when you take tone and manner out of the equation. Just saying from her original post that it sounds to me as if she's being petty when there are far worse breaches of etiquette on the train like all of the aforementioned infractions. Just my opinion.

rtraindweller

Anonymous wrote: I am totally jacking "POLE-SLOTHS" from you!!

(of course I will give credit to you, though!)

by all means! spread that ish!

queencallipygos

Anonymous wrote: I'm not saying she had her bags on the seat. Part of her issue about sliding down one seat was that she was juggling shopping bags. The act of asking somebody to move down who clearly does not realize that they are inconveniencing other riders is not in itself rude when you take tone and manner out of the equation. Just saying from her original post that it sounds to me as if she's being petty when there are far worse breaches of etiquette on the train like all of the aforementioned infractions. Just my opinion.

Okay, fair. I personally think that some of the folk in here who have harshly critiqued her on her actions are themselves a little petty, because -- again, this is what I keep coming back to -- if the man had asked her to move, she would have done so, and the only people that seemed to have any issues with the situation were the two women who were just watching. And frankly, those two women were coming across as busybodies to me.

This all just looks like a "your mileage may vary" kind of situation, is my point, and not worth the ire that some people have been displaying in here.

Willing to chalk it up to "everyone sees things a little differently, it's a mad world", and call it a day?

shishkab

rtraindweller wrote: [quote=Anonymous]I am totally jacking "POLE-SLOTHS" from you!!

(of course I will give credit to you, though!)

by all means! spread that ish!

holy crap, i love that, too! "Pole-Sloth" is the new word of the month for me, rtrain!!!

rtraindweller

shishkab wrote:

holy crap, i love that, too! "Pole-Sloth" is the new word of the month for me, rtrain!!!

glad you enjoy! i had a total pole-sloth latch on this morning on the Q, to a pole i was already holding onto! my hand was stuck between her uh, bossom. do some people just not mind that i suppose? it sure made me feel a tad uneasy.

supergirl

Hi all,

Thanks again for your feedback (those who weren't nasty in telling me I was rude, anyway). Just being able to post my feelings helped alleviate my migraine and calm down.

On reflection, one reason I was so mad was that I would not have inconvenienced another person to move; I personally would have stood up. Of course, we can't all have people act as we would, and it was wrong for me to get angry at them.

I wish I could go on vacation, but that's another story :?

supergirl

Anonymous wrote: In the last few weeks I've seen all sorts of madness on the trains. Is it me or does it seem that the holidays bring out the worst in people sometimes?

The day before Thanksgiving I was riding the A train into the city. I got on at Utica and it was pretty crowded, rush hour and all. I stood holding the pole. Several stops later and a woman gets on at High St. and pushed her way through with no "Excuse me" or anything. Not that that is particularly alarming or unusual, unfortunately. The train cleared at Broadway/Nassau and a seat vacated right in front of me which I took. Mind you, this seat was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and required no manneuvering, no pushing, nothing. In fact, it was easier to sit in this seat than to continue standing. The woman who got on at High St apparently spied it, made a dash for it while pushing someone into the pole but I was already sitting in it. I didn't even realize what was going on until I saw the look on her face. What killed me is I really don't even care that much about getting a seat. I take the A every morning, I'm used to standing! I'll always give my seat up to someone who needs it more and an aggressive move by someone else will always win the seat. This woman proceeded to stand about 2 feet away from me calling me a bitch over and over. I had headphones on but saw the lips moving. At this point I just looked up at her with eyebrows raised and looked her dead in the eye. She's still mouthing "bitch" and I responded with "Have a nice day, sugar." She promptly moved out of my line of vision. This is when a woman in front of me started laughing and told me how she had just been pushed into a the pole by this same woman in her dash for the seat. And somehow I was the bitch. Ha.

Ah! The race to the seat is always fun! Sounds like she was a pretty nasty one. I wouldn't have spoken to her at all. That makes them really mad

samosetsal

I hate Pole Sloths (see, it's beginning to stick), even more than Wide Sitters. As to the original post, I think there are far more egregious instances of rudeness on the subway than that. I'd put it in the category of mildly annoying, and relatively small potatoes in my opinion. Just this week a man nearly knocked over my 6-year-old son.

I've actually said to a Pole Sloth, Can we share this pole please?