Sky More Likely to Fall on You in Crown Heights

Crown Heights Under Dangerous Skies
Chad Dashington

Twenty, thirty years ago the entirety of New York City was synonymous with crime and dangerous streets. In recent years the trend has reversed as many neighborhoods have been revitalized but in the outer Burroughs there are still rough corners. In particular Crown Heights has held steadfast to its reputation of constantly falling skies.

Growing in popularity recently for low rents, express subways, and close proximity to Prospect Park and Park Slope, Crown Heights has seen an influx of artists and young professionals. While lured into the neighborhood under these pretexts many are unaware of the risks they run by moving to the area.

"Yeah, I see it all the time. Nice kid's walking by and BOOM! Sky falls right square on their head," said one man who identified himself as some sort of a sovereign though he lacked the necessary head paraphernalia to idenitfy him as such.

"Thing is too it only happens to the people who just move here to. Hell, I don't how it works but it just happens. Soon as they sign the lease that big chunk a' sky just comes right down on em'.

Crown Heights has certainly had a troubled history. For many the name conjures up images of the riots in the early 90s and the crack-cocaine epidemic before it. The sky falling phenomenon is a new development, however. Most unusual about it is that it is completely unique to the Crown Heights area.

"Yeah it's the darndest thing," said a scruffy man claiming to be leading a parade though this reporter didn't see any participants at the time of the interview. You cross past Washington Ave puppy dogs and rainbows just began materializing in your arms after an angel kisses you.

"But step over the other way and them rainbows turn into dogshit and the puppies convicted felons stalking you from the subways every step. Worst part is you feel em' undressing you with their eyes right before they stab ya'. Jesus, gives me the willies," said the Parade Man.

Despite the constant falling skies in Crown Heights many young professionals are still flocking to the area. Popular bars and restaurants have also begun popping up in the area such as Franklin Park and Bristen's on Franklin Avenue. Patrons run a greater risk here though as its intersection with Eastern parkway appears to be the epicenter of sky falling in Crown heights. The residents make due with life they can, taking comfort that at least there aren't any baby strollers.