bicoastal marriage - seeking practical advice

jongen · December 2008

Hi,

I emphasize that I am looking for practical advice, NOT horror stories or "don't do it" or anything like that. Please, if you need to vent or share horror stories, make another post or something.

My husband and I got married recently after living together for about 5 years. He is in the entertainment industry. Shortly before we got engaged, he got his first big job in LA.

I am a journalist. I do freelance work (though I'd been working full-time till recently). Technically, I don't have to live in Brooklyn, but moving to LA right now would mean leaving behind a lot of stuff I really really care about and a community I've been waiting all my life to find. I can't do it quite yet. I feel guilty about that, but I can't. Maybe someday. Not yet.

We knew there would be some bicoastality involved in this marriage, and we talked about it, but I think that (a) the unpredictable nature of the film/TV industry and (b) the extreme optimism of being engaged kept us from realizing how stressful it would sometimes be. Our plan was that we'd live in NY and he'd travel out as necessary. That is what's been happening, only "as necessary" is oftener and longer-term than we'd expected. And if I were him, I wouldn't pass up most of the opportunities he gets out there either.

Someday relatively soon, if things go as they have been for both of us, there should be enough money to get a little place in LA instead of crashing at friends' homes and to make the expense of travel less of a big deal than it is now. That will remove a major stressor. With me having no full time jobs, I'd be happy to be out there for weeks at a time. Then if I move eventually it I'll be to a place I'm a lot more familiar with.

Bottom line, we are committed to toughing this out, we're young, there are no children to worry about, we have supportive friends and both sets of parents seem to get this isn't about one of us being stubborn or thoughtless, and we love each other. But it's still hard.

I know there are lots of people in this neighborhood who are in entertainment or other industries where this must come up. Any thoughts about what we can to do mitigate the situation I've just described?

Again, I know there are plenty of horror stories too. But please refrain. Likewise, I promise, I never stop thinking of just moving to LA. But for too many reasons to get into right now, doing that abruptly is not an option.

Thoughts?

danielle123 · December 2008

Subject: No advice but...

I don't have advice but I've been in 3 long-distance relationships. I wasn't married but both parties in each relationship were committed and so there were no trust or anger ("you're never here") issues.

You are married so I know that you are committed to each other. You have the rest of your lives to spend together 24/7. You will get through this. I wish you lots of luck in whatever you decide!

obamanut · December 2008

Subject: Re: bicoastal marriage - seeking practical advice

jongen wrote: Technically, I don't have to live in Brooklyn, but moving to LA right now would mean leaving behind a lot of stuff I really really care about and a community I've been waiting all my life to find. I can't do it quite yet. I feel guilty about that, but I can't. Maybe someday. Not yet.

Sorry I can't answer your question, but may I ask what this "community" is that you were looking for and finally found? Do you mean Park Slope?

stacey · December 2008

I have never had a long distance relationship but it seems that you guys are committed to each other and since your fiance got a great job in LA whose to say that it wont lead to a better job in NY again. I say stick it out and see how it works. Good luck.

raw · December 2008

If I was horny in Hollywood, living alone, and a hot babe...but then again maybe you have an open relationship and hook ups with others is cool. But if your relationship is open and you never see each other, why be married?

I wouldn't post such a personal question here. People who reply to it don't know you and have over active imaginations from watching too much TV. I'd talk it out with the people involved and maybe even a therapist or lawyer.

veets · December 2008

Raw.. I think you gave the best advice brought forth on this thread so far.

tajmb · December 2008

I did it for several years. The key is knowing it, like everything else in your life, won't last forever, so enjoy the good aspects of it along the way. It was great in a lot of ways. The phone conversations, emails, texts you have when at a distance are often better because you don't discuss the daily crap of cohabitating, like who took out the garbage or who will vacuum, or what to pick up at the store. Having real conversations especially at the beginning of your marriage is probably a good thing. You're 5+ years into this relationship. That's a good time to reestablish yourselves as individuals and see that you can still work out a life together.

On the practical side of making it work smoothly I can recommend a few things:

You've already lived together long enough to know you have difft styles of homekeeping. Discuss, whether in LA you'll have to live in his home, his rules even though you may be there for extended stretches or does he still have to put the seat down, toothpaste cap on, etc. And vice versa when he's here.

You need to get a life of your own out there. I assume as a freelancer you could try to pick up the occasional project out there. When you're in town he can't drop everything and entertain you for a couple of weeks. Presumably he already has friends/hobbies here from living here to entertain himself here.

For us we did back to back visits when possible. So, I came to NY for 1-2 wks quarterly and then we'd go back to CA together and he'd stay for 1-2 wks. I found being together or apart for stretches of at least 3-4 wks less disruptive then if someone did a fly by every other weekend.

Decide now that you'll review how the situation is working every 6 months or year or whatever. Don't have those 'reviews' when some conflict comes up. That's just basic marriage advice.

I still say the key to marriage is to remember that variety is the spice of life. When you've decided not to vary the person you're with, the 2 of you better commit to varying the things you do instead. Living at a distance for a while is just more spice.

dracomom · December 2008

A good friend of mine had a long distant relationship for 10 years with her boy friend (now husband) before she finally got married. In the beginning it was upstate NY and NYC, and later it was Seattle and NYC. So yeah, it can work out, but to tell you the truth she is the only one I ever knew that had it worked out.

sloper · December 2008

A friend of mine is in a long distance relationship (Vermont/Seattle) and has been in it for about a year and a half now...it's worked out well and he's actually proposing soon. The thing is, he plans to move out there in the near future (6 months or so). Anyway, I don't have personal experience with this but from hearing him talk about it, I would say if you have a set time range (like 2-3-4 years - whatever works for you) it'll certainly be doable. If, on the other hand, it starts to feel indefinite, that's when I would guess things get complicated and arguments/issues arise. So, I'd say go for it but know that it can't last forever this way and everyone has their own timeline. You guys know eachother, so you know how long until your patience gives....

carnivore · December 2008

sloper wrote: A friend of mine is in a long distance relationship (Vermont/Seattle) and has been in it for about a year and a half now...it's worked out well and he's actually proposing soon. The thing is, he plans to move out there in the near future (6 months or so). Anyway, I don't have personal experience with this but from hearing him talk about it, I would say if you have a set time range (like 2-3-4 years - whatever works for you) it'll certainly be doable. If, on the other hand, it starts to feel indefinite, that's when I would guess things get complicated and arguments/issues arise. So, I'd say go for it but know that it can't last forever this way and everyone has their own timeline. You guys know eachother, so you know how long until your patience gives....

I agree with this. You should have a defined endpoint if at all possible. My wife and I were apart for a year when we first started going out (before we were married). We've now been together for 18 years and if anything that time apart made our relationship stronger. I don't know how things would have worked out if we were apart indefinitely though. Unless you have a lot of money for frequent visits, it sounds pretty tough.

I recommend writing real old-fashioned non-electronic pen-and-paper letters several times a week to each other at least. That really helped for us, and it's nice to have a tangible reminder of the other person when you're apart.

anthonycm · December 2008

I once was in a long distance relationship for three years, and it worked out great. Then we moved in together...Well, it worked out great as a long distance relationship. Okay, so maybe I'm not the best one to be sharing stories. Granted, I was fairly young at the time, and I'm sure there are a lot of differences with your relationship.

As for advice, learn the hours of Toys in Babeland, which is on Bergen between Flatbush and 5th.

bkchickie · December 2008

I did an LDR for about 9 months. It was fun and exciting. Then a surprise job offer brought me here. I truly enjoyed it while it lasted, but I don't regret that it's over. I can't say how long we could have continued with the back and forth, and thankfully, we never had to figure that out.

But I also agree with Raw. You and your DH should also be talking about this with a couples' therapist.

bicoastal marriage - seeking practical advice

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