Thin Line between being keen and stalking
I recently met a man thru a dating site and he lives near me. We have been out just once, for drinks and dinner. That was a week ago. Since then he has emailed me at least six times every day - just chatty stuff really. I'm not used to this. Sometimes I get nine emails from him in one day and it is hard to find the time to keep replying. He has also asked me to go out with him virtually every single night since we met. He seems really nice but I'm wondering if he is a potential stalker. I don't understand why/how he has the time to keep contacting me so often. Also, he is 39, appears to have everything going for him and I'm starting to wonder why such a "good catch" is still single..... Thoughts? Anyone?
Comments
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I don't think it kee, it may indeed be a type of cyber-stalking, but what it is for sure is desperate.
As a card-carrying male I caution you: Avoid desperate males at all cost. They simply cannot function on their own and have a habit of going from mothers to lovers (even at 39!)
If I were you I would not answer the e-mails. -
I'm going out on a limb here. Maybe he likes you?
I don't know how he has the chance to email you so much. Does he have a job where he sits in front of a computer all day? Because if that's the case he could conceivably send you a bunch of email over the course of a day while doing other stuff. Now if he's a cab driver or a vascular surgeon that's a different story.
My suggestion is ignore the emails you don't want to respond to, respond to the ones you do, and take it from there. Why does this trouble you so much? Are the emails creepy? Suggestive? Just downright crazy? Because if they aren't it may just be that he's really into you.
If you want him to back off some, tell him so. If he doesn't then you can worry. But for now, give him the benefit of the doubt. -
Trust your instincts. If he seems weird, he probably is and it will be harder to extricate yourself from somebody troubled later on. And he obviously does like you but where is his sense of pride and personal boundaries? He is 39 not 12--he should know you aren't supposed to harass people after one date but get to know you instead of jumping into instant best friend/lover/whatever mode.
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I find that when I'm really into someone I lose my grip on self respect. Maybe he likes you so much that he feels right putting himself out there as much as he has. Unless you feel uncomfortable, I'd take care in judging his character. Its would be a shame for you to take a man's genuine affection in a negative way.
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dan.h wrote: I find that when I'm really into someone I lose my grip on self respect.
I think we all do, to some extent. Well, I do. :roll:
But I agree with Kensingtonmom -- always trust your instincts. You're uncomfortable for a reason. If you really want to give the guy a chance, tell him that it's too much too soon -- and see how he reacts. You should be able to learn a lot from his reaction. -
yep, trust your instincts. doing something thoughtful to show you like someone is one thing, emailing 9 times a day is another. He sounds controlling.
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homeowner wrote: I don't know how he has the chance to email you so much. Does he have a job where he sits in front of a computer all day? Because if that's the case he could conceivably send you a bunch of email over the course of a day while doing other stuff.
Odd as this may sound, I had not contemplated the possibility that he might simply be into me. I am so used to dealing with New York men who either play hard to get or simply aren't that into me. I've been very unlucky with men.
Yes he does and he also has a Blackberry or some other phone device that sends and receives emails.homeowner wrote: Why does this trouble you so much? Are the emails creepy? Suggestive? Just downright crazy? Because if they aren't it may just be that he's really into you.
No, the emails aren't creepy or at all suggestive. They are saying things like, "I think you are a really cool person" and "can I help in any way at your housewarming party?"
I am not used to somebody being so hung up on me after just one date. -
Now, when you say "chatty" emails, I'm picturing short, almost conversational emails- almost like IMing through email. If that's the case, I wouldn't think that 9 of those emails a day is anything to send up red flags. 9 emails a day that are 3 paragraphs each would be a different story, but again, it's about the content and context.
Odd as this may sound, I had not contemplated the possibility that he might simply be into me. I am so used to dealing with New York men who either play hard to get or simply aren't that into me. I've been very unlucky with men.
I don't believe in being "unlucky" with the opposite sex. People that have a long string of bad boyfriends/girlfriends have them for a reason. For those that use the "I guess that I attract the wrong type of guy/girl" defense, I think that it's more accurate to say, "I guess that I'm attracted to the wrong type of guy/girl." Nice guys see it all the time- especially when young, a lot of women go for jerks. If you have a "nice guy" friend, ask him, he'll let you know. I joke that, if (when?) I have a son, I'm going to sit him down and say, "son, don't bother being a nice guy 'til you're 28- it not going to get you anywhere." -
Subject: european
weird question but is he European? I am a native New Yorker who has recently been dating and the 2 European men (swedish and turkish) I have gone out with a few times are very similar in that they text message and email all the time - and have alot of time to "see me every night" because they are working here from abroad and don't have as strong a network of friends...
Not good or bad just different - but can certainly smother any independent woman who is used to a slower pace, for sure.. -
nybt wrote: Nice guys see it all the time- especially when young, a lot of women go for jerks.
Here here. Being super nice and extra sweet does get you nowhere. Kind-hearted indifference is the way to go. -
dan.h wrote: [quote=nybt]Nice guys see it all the time- especially when young, a lot of women go for jerks.
Here here. Being super nice and extra sweet does get you nowhere. Kind-hearted indifference is the way to go.
hey now you two. yes, girls sometimes go for the wrong guys. it's true. but then we get burned and learn the error of our ways...
this example however is a bit much... 9 emails in one day and asking a girl out every time you talk to her is over the top (no actually it's way too much). -
What is "being keen" anyway? Sounds like it would have been a nice compliment in 1942...
I know it's the kiss of death to be considered a "nice" guy - is being a "keen" guy a better position to be in? -
RAH wrote: [quote=dan.h][quote=nybt]Nice guys see it all the time- especially when young, a lot of women go for jerks.
Here here. Being super nice and extra sweet does get you nowhere. Kind-hearted indifference is the way to go.
hey now you two. yes, girls sometimes go for the wrong guys. it's true. but then we get burned and learn the error of our ways...
Yeah, when you're 28... :P -
As someone who dated online on and off for 5 years, I have 'dealt' with this type before. It never worked out very well for me. They turned out to be needy and time consuming.
If you are not going to continue seeing him I would tell him nicely and in a short email that it will not work out. Not hearing back from someone that I thought was into me is painful. And... Should you run into him on the street it will be less uncomfortable.
I am currently living with a man I met on yahoo.com and we just celebrated our second anniversary!
There are some good and relatively normal people out there! -
Subject: stalker or needy guy
i would be honest with him and write that i do not have time to read or answer all his emails and could he either compile all his ideas for no more than 1-2 emails a week. you need to train people to do what you like them to do. like if a friend is over-stepping their boundaries, you need to express what your boundaries are. and if your boundaries are not respected, dump the person/friend, by all means!
just b/c someone says they are successful does not mean they are.
anyone can print up a business card... and cubic zironias look just like diamonds- and so does austrian crystal!
i was approached by a fellow from kansas-who had emailing me privately from some music discussion group. he would type pages and pages to me about his wife, family, where his brother worked at NYU(i think he was fishing-hoping i would tell him where my siblings work), and when i wrote him than i like his emails, but that i am a very slow reader (like duh--, duh--, duh--) and did not have time to read his daily life stories; he stopped writing altogether.
does this guy know exactly where you live? hope not. also if you have to pass by his building to get yours, change your walking route home. -
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This guy sounds like a freak. Run fast and far. Nothing good will come of it. Trust me, there are normal guys out there who know that sending dozens of e-mails is overkill.
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