tutors and ethics

femmedada · December 2009

I hired a tutor to help a very bright child with ADHD who recently misinterpreted the child's minor error in communication as dishonesty to the school's administration. This happened not only unnecessarily but DESPITE BEING PAID BY THE CHILD'S PARENTS. The tutor emailed the administrators of my child's school and implied that she was dishonest in answering the tutor's question. My daughter has been inconsolable since yesterday evening and feels that since she only earned a high B- average and is therefore on probation, that she will be dismissed from the school that she loves. The tutor claims that since my daughter is a member of an academic community, that her decision to report my daughter was on target. Does anyone else see a conflict of interest along the lines of wanting referrals from this school and, therefore, being motivated to alert the administration to a child's glitch in progress? I could see how it MIGHT be in the tutor's financial interest to present the school with successes and blame a student whom she had misunderstood. I hope that this makes sense. I've been up most of the night with a distraught child who feels that she will be expelled. We had already been called in for a meeting with the dean next week. Dread.

Thanks for reading this

sweet tea · December 2009

ugh, i'm not clear enough on what happened that i can say whether it was fair or not, but my sincere sympathies. i have so been that kid. hopefully the administration will see the wonderful sides of the situation -- that your daughter cares so very much about the school -- not just whatever mistakes she (a kid) may have made.

brooklynpotter · December 2009

if not for math tutors i'd never had graduated high school. that said, i'm alarmed by the fact that a B- average would get a person kicked out of school.

modsquad · December 2009

If this "minor error in communication" involved or impacted on no one else but your child and the tutor then it should of gone no further. Even if for some reason the tutor's honesty or credibility with the school was the issue the parents, the people who are paying, should have been informed first as to the potential actions the tutor was taking.

availablespace · December 2009

Anyone who reads your tale of woe has to be instantly pained for you and your child. Of course, I don't know the specifics but the tutor had no right whatsoever to report the child to the school even if it was an outright lie. Wish it were possible for a psychological evaluation to made of this tutor, and reported in depth to the school (and court) to keep them from doing further emotional damage to another family. This person should not be allowed to continue tutoring. As it stands, I would tell my child into each life some "totally justified in their own eyes" CREEP will appear...and to not take it personally or allow it to make it a major dent in their confidence. I pray the school will realize that the tutor has a serious psychological problem and dismiss the tutor's findings.There is no reason good enough for the tutor's actions. May the "learning experience" work out well in the end for both parent and child.

brooklynpotter · December 2009

really, was that necessary?

femmedada · December 2009

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my post. Being the parent of a child with ADHD has made me very conscious of the need to work as a team with her school. Generally, things have gone well because she is so smart and, while shy, personable. Also, there are a lot of good teachers at her school who recognize how talented she is and do their best on a daily basis to bring her gifts to fruition.

I remember having the sense a few months ago that the tutor was not the best listener. Maybe I should have explained to this woman that when my daughter is frightened she freezes up. Unfortunately, I did not share my concern with the tutor and that probably played some small role in what transpired earlier this week. My daughter is calmer now and has been studying for the past few hours. Also, what I wrote about our upcoming meeting was confusing so I edited it.

Being a parent is SO hard. Really. It is by far the hardest and most important thing I have ever attempted to do. Anything else I have accomplished in my life pales in comparison to raising this beloved child.

homeowner · December 2009

I'm confused. Was the mis-communication around work being done to turn in at school? Did the tutor have any relationship with the school, or were they hired by you outside of school to provide additional support and enrichment? Because it seems to me that if the person was hired by you and didn't work for the school, they should have come to you with her concerns first and not immediately gone to school officials.

femmedada · December 2009

Homeowner--

Your confusion is understandable given the terrible punctuation of my original post! The tutor receives referrals from the school but her fees are paid by the parents of her students.

Edit: The miscommunication occurred between the tutor and my child about whether my child had done some preparatory work that would have been useful in one of her classes.

positivelynewyork · December 2009

What was the outcome of the school meeting?

independent mind · December 2009

I have heard that one of the diagnostic criteria for ADHD is impulse control, which apparently frequently manifests as telling lies. I raise this not to suggest that your daughter lied about anything (though I share the confusion expressed by other posters as to the plain facts of the story, so its hard to understand), but to suggest that your frustration could stem from the fact that the tutor was being discriminatory? It seems that your real complaint here is the fact that this tutor assumed your daughter was lying not necessarily because they are a poor listener/bad tutor etc (far less egregious complaints that you could make), but because this tutor's awareness of her diagnosis of ADHD led them to a biased interpretation of her behavior. If this were the case, you would have a very serious complaint to level against this tutor indeed, and framing your complaint in this way would perhaps also force the school to take this event more seriously from your perspective. Best of luck to you.

brooklynpotter · December 2009

independent mind, do you have any data to back that up? i know you say your intent was not to suggest the poster's child was doing so, but i don't think it's fair to come into this thread proclaiming just that.

if you're coming to this with anecdotal evidence, i can share what i've witnessed: at least ten kids with adhd who don't lie.

independent mind · December 2009

What I meant to suggest was that many people have that assumption about adhd kids (that adhd = lying), not that this is a fact. I don't believe that this is necessarily the case for kids with adhd, but I do believe that people around adhd kids might make that assumption . I have plenty of experience with kids to know that frequently the diagnosis of adhd itself can often affect their life as much as their behaviors, and I was only trying to help the anxious parent to see that they had a right to view this situation as one in which their child was potentially being unfairly pigeon-holed. My apologies if I came across as saying something else.

tutors and ethics

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