Early 20s, advice on meeting new friends

canyontothesky · February 2010

I'm looking to make some new friends. I'm in my early 20s and I recently graduated from college. I'm a personal assistant, so I work primarily alone, and while I love my job and want to keep it, I never thought that my first job out of college would be this isolated. I thought I'd end up working the counter at a bakery or somewhere with a lot of people my age and I thought that would be how I would make friends. I am in a long-term relationship and live with my boyfriend, and he has friends that we hang out with, but what I'm saying is I'm not looking for boyfriends and I'm not looking for girls to go to bars with, I'm looking for "come chill at my place and let's talk" or someone to go out to dinner with, etc.

I've always been the "one best friend" or small group of friends kind of gal, but for the past few years really have had one friend, one best friend, who lives two hours away now, and I would really like to meet some women I can really bond with and become close to, who live in Park Slope or in a nearby neighborhood. I was wondering if anyone had suggestions of events, places, classes, etc that foster the atmosphere for making new friends, or even something geared specifically towards making new friends. I'm not talking, "strike up a conversation with a nice looking girl at a coffee shop," because I'm not that outgoing, and haven't found that works for me in the past, but the kind of situation where you get to know a group of people, or... I don't know at all, that's why I'm asking. My current best friend was my former roommate, so basically I need in between striking up random conversations and being roommates... to meet people.

I really appreciate any suggestions. This is a real question, I really do want to make some friends, so I hope someone has a few good ideas that I'll be comfortable with.

Thanks!

carnivore · February 2010

do you have any hobbies? Check meetup.com for things like photography, language, political meetups, etc. How about a book club? knitting group? spin class? yoga? volunteering?

mrs. h. · February 2010

Ditto re the hobbies. I moved to NYC just after college 20 years ago and was very isolated for a few years until I joined a running club. The advantage of that kind of organization is that you can count on seeing the same people repeatedly and getting to know them at a normal, slow pace, so friendship evolves over time--less pressure.

Taking a class can be similar, something that meets every week for 8 weeks or something. Or joining a house of worship of the Ethical Culture Society, if you're so inclined.

Good luck--for all the fun and freedom of life in the 20s, it can be a hard transition from the structure and enforced camaraderie of school. I definitely enjoyed my 30s and early 40s (where I am now) a lot more.

parksloper24 · February 2010

I hear ya on this one canyon, I'm looking for the same. I live with my boyfriend and my tight group of girlfriends are scattered across the country. I graduated in 08 and moved here last year, spending weekends at home to see my girls. I have guy friends in the city, many in fact, but now that my boyfriend lives with me I have no girl interaction. I work alot, but enough time to go to the gym. But truth be told, by the end of the day I don't have the energy to strike up a convo with a stranger, even though I am quite outgoing. Do you belong to the Y or armory?

kgs · February 2010

You might try www.meetup.com or www.socialcircles.com, both are web sites for a variety of social activities and interests -- meetup has a million of them.

carnivore · February 2010

Sounds like it's time for another Brooklynian happy hour!

karl the druid · February 2010

when venturing into new territory

always bring a pie

who doesn't appreciate a good pie?

modsquad · February 2010

I took a wood carving class at the New School many years ago. It was me and 10 women. I should of converted to the Mormonism and gone off grid.

opossumqueen · February 2010

Carnivore wrote: Sounds like it's time for another Brooklynian happy hour!

Or a chicklynian happy hour

arthxr · February 2010

OpossumQueen wrote: [quote=Carnivore]Sounds like it's time for another Brooklynian happy hour!

Or a chicklynian happy hour

oh, good lord. LOCK YOU DOORS! :shock:

carmen · February 2010

i moved to nyc 2 months after graduating college knowing no-one, being jobless and having no family within 1000 miles. My advice? Meetup.com, craigslist for activity groups and general wanderings throughout the city. If you seek friends, they will come.

And brooklynian isn't nearly as square as it seems. Ok, we're sort of nerdy...but nice, too!

d_luxx · February 2010

I think by posting this you have already taken the first step !
I agree with the other posters who suggest hobbies and classes, just make sure you choose something that you are genuinely interested in so that you will have things in common with the people you meet there. Joining the Y and taking classes there ( they have a good variety including dance classes ) or a running club is a great idea and you will be exposed to TONS of people. If you are artistic, Brooklyn Mercantile has sewing / craft classes. What about your building, is there anyone else your age ? Why not just strike up a conversation, or even ask them if you can borrow something ?
The important thing is how you respond to the new people...you will have to get outside your comfort zone and start talking to them. Some people will like you and some of them won't, but its ok because you've got nothing to lose. Remember, if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always had..so do something different !
I know it can be hard to meet people, especially in big cities, but you sound like a really nice and intelligent person, so I'm sure with a little effort you can turn this around.

bobbybrummel · February 2010

good luck. 5 years out of college and i still haven't solved the make new adult friends problem. and i even went to college in new york, so it's more like 9 years!

volunteering is a good idea though. the few new friends i've made have been through my work at wfmu.

carmen · February 2010

in my experience, people in NYC are actually really friendly. I will say that most of my friends are older than me (my jobs always put me in contact with people 10+ years older) so I have a handful of friends my age but most are in their mid-late 30s.

verucasalt · February 2010

I feel the same way and have been experiencing the same problem. It seems so much harder to make friends when you get older. I am a transplant as well and long to have a friend to go and grab lunch/dinner, a movie or shop together. To have a girlfriend in the neighborhood to catch up with and just chat would be awesome.

bklynbmt · February 2010

hate to break it to you, but it gets worse as you get older and people get married and have kids. That said, you can still absolutely do it if you put yourself out there

gtrain · February 2010

volunteer.

i always recommend NYCares.org & NYCService.org They have a bunch of different projects to choose from -- from walking shelter dogs, to going on mini field trips with brooklyn children. i volunteer for 3 different orgs and often times we go out for drinks after our project or grab something to eat. everyone there is open & friendly ...

one major tip is that if you are seeking friendships you need to find a project and STICK WITH IT - do the project weekly (@ least) so that people can get familiar with you and if youre shy, you can get comfortable with the people that are regulars too. actually a great tip is to become a regular anywhere... neighborhood garden, coffee shop, small restaurant... it's easy to get lost in NY but one way to build relationships is to become a familiar face vs an anonymous tenant down the street.

marcydarcy · February 2010

This won't do you a lot of good right now, but I have made tons of friends by doing share houses during the summer in Fire Island (much less Paris Hilton than the Hamptons.) Also, this might seem a bit silly but find some reason to have business cards made up with facebook/twitter info- when you have a nice conversation with someone, say you want to stay in touch and give them your card.

drunken revival · February 2010

All good suggestions. I'd suggest going back to school - grad school or something - and thus kill two birds with one stone: instant friends + more career choices.

Also, on more dour note: couples in their early 20's should not be living together. New York is a hard place and we can all appreciate having that special someone to come home to every night. But it’s a crutch… a crutch that in all likelihood isn’t going to be there in 2 or 3 or 4 years. Furthermore, before you can even begin to be that crutch for someone, and before they can be that one for you, you have to prove to yourself you’re strong enough – you simply cannot prove that in the vacuum of a co-dependant relationship. It is a very hard lesson and perhaps not one the student can learn without failing the test first.

The relationships referenced above suppress the stress of loneliness and isolation and replace that stress with the fear of losing the suppressant. However, it is this very fear of isolation that forces us to reach out, to seek new friends, to risk being disliked. In short, the relationship misplaces fears and motivations. At some point the mind becomes aware of such misplacements…. perhaps for people reading this post, that point is now.

I should remark that I’m not specifically directing this at the poster although wouldn’t hesitate to do so if circumstances found us to be good friends. That’s what good friends do, they tell hard truths.

carnivore · February 2010

Good advice, DR. Except possibly for the advice about grad school, that is. Unless the grad school furthers a very specific career objective, it's probably a waste of time and money.
http://chronicle.com/article/Graduate-School-in-the/44846/

drunken revival · February 2010

Right, I was referring to a useful grad degree, you know, something that people actually care about. Like law or an MBA.

domino · February 2010

Having been thru the advanced degree programs I would suggest NOT to either MBA or JD. Very competitive and once out, both options require grueling hours toiling away as the low man on the totem pole. Neither ripe for fostering long term friendships. Not to mention the huge expense related to either endeavor.

I would suggest classes which you are truly interested in - the anthropology class which you always MEANT to take in college, a cooking class (key of you are a male hoping to meet a female) or a art course in etching.

I would also strongly suggest getting involved in your community (community board, big brother/big sister, food kitchen, remedial reading, etc.) and those venues which give opportunities to give as well as receive.

If you are interested in sports, join a local football or softball league - your company might even have one. One of the bars I used to frequent sponsored a team for the league. Fortunately, there was more drinking that softball playing so it worked out fine for me.

Put yourself out there - most people are very friendly and open the general rep is undeserved and probably based on the harried life we all lead.

drunken revival · February 2010

I don't want this to become a grad school debate, but in "these trying economic times" the MBA, for example, has become that much more of a differentiator and, as such, more valuable.

As for the grueling hours and low man status, well, we all lay in bed of our own creation. Mine happens to be filled with 30 hour work weeks, cash, rainbows, and panting women.... I decided long ago to not take the easy way out... to not conform.

canyontothesky · February 2010

Thanks for all of your responses so far, everyone. For the most part I feel really hopeful and am going to try to put myself out there. I'm going to check out a lot of the websites you all suggested.

I went to Hunter College and maybe it's just me but I didn't find that many students were making many lasting friendships with others due to the nature of Hunter. Everyone who goes to Hunter is usually from NYC (I am not), they already have an established group of friends, so when class lets out, we all sprint to the subway and get the heck out of there. I've met some cool people at Hunter and never managed to stay in touch no matter how hard I tried on my half. Everyone already had friends and I guess, didn't really need any more?

Going back to school is not an option. It's the last thing I would ever want to do. I completed my B.A. in 2-1/2 years so I could get it done and get out. I don't plan, at this point, to ever seek a further degree, though I am not ruling it out, but it is absolutely not in my future in the next at least 2-3 years. Please do not let this lead to a lecture on why I need to have an advanced degree or anything like that.

I just wanted to say, without causing an argument, that I really didn't appreciate your digression, Drunken Revival, about how 20-somethings shouldn't be living together. I'm surprised a mod didn't flag it for being off topic because it has absolutely nothing to do with what I asked about and is completely uncalled for and unneeded. I resent someone making a sweaping judgement based off of their lives and those they've witnessed, as though that part is the whole, when they don't know me at all, and putting their own personal philosophies on how relationships work onto someone who they've never met, nor was even asking for advice or commentary, and I'm surprised that no one else has called DR out for it either. I can't believe you would assume you knew how my relationship has or would develop and suggest that the only way of solving a codependent relationship is to fail at it and break up. This is absolutely not true, at least not for me, and I do not wish to put my own ideas about love and relationships into this thread, so please leave yours out for the remainder of it, while people to continue to suggest ways I can make FRIENDS, not fix relationship issues you don't even know exist. Thanks.

germanhermann · February 2010

bobbybrummel wrote: good luck. 5 years out of college and i still haven't solved the make new adult friends problem. and i even went to college in new york, so it's more like 9 years!

LIE! dude, bobby, you make friends faster than anyone I know. Orignal Poster, try his solution: profess your undying love of Phil Collins to anyone who will listen.

HOBBIES. definitely hobbies. I met a (now) good friend when he stopped me in a record store to tell me some record was awesome. It wasn't; but we're friends anyway. So pinpoint your hobby, hang out where people accomplish that hobby, and THEN start up the random conversation in that setting.

bobbybrummel · February 2010

that only worked with one person, andy bodor at cake shop. and it's more like i mentioned a piece of phil collins trivia to him once and now he thinks i'm the "genesis guy," when he's the one who was dressed up like, and singing as phil collins for halloween!

jbnorthup · February 2010

Carmen wrote: i moved to nyc 2 months after graduating college knowing no-one, being jobless and having no family within 1000 miles. My advice? Meetup.com, craigslist for activity groups and general wanderings throughout the city. If you seek friends, they will come.

And brooklynian isn't nearly as square as it seems. Ok, we're sort of nerdy...but nice, too!

Carmen picked me up online. I'm just sayin'

the chipster · February 2010

you don't have to do anything special-take classes, start a hobby whatevs..living in nyc is enough! just enjoy what brooklyn has-free wine tastings on 7th ave, live music where singles are welcome (barbes) friendly folks in the millions of coffee shops, strolling around prospect park and/or exercising,ice skating, and literally bumping into someone on the street:)
just get out there and walk--cuz that's what makes this city great! check out small shops (knitting classes!) and meet other folks who are also looking for something to do. i'm sure you will find all sorts of things and people once you open up to what brooklyn has for you..and who knows what that will be!
so step up, and let your feet be your guide. enjoy and let the fun begin:)

germanhermann · February 2010

true. true. I hear that if you just talk loudly on your iphone late at night on the street you can meet a nice man who is into cycling.

drunken revival · February 2010

canyontothesky,

Sorry. Didn't mean to touch a nerve. But last I checked I'm free to generalize and make sweeping statements about anything I'd like.

And you're right - I don't know you, you're relationship, or anything about your ideas on love....Nor do I really care to.... that's why I was generalizing. Don't take it so personally.

I don't really want to argue either, but I'm pretty much sticking by the original notion that romantic relationships, especially young ones, stifle ones ability to branch out into other sorts of relationships.

It's not a personal attack - it's just my off topic opinion.

canyontothesky · February 2010

Drunken Revival wrote:
I don't really want to argue either, but I'm pretty much sticking by the original notion that romantic relationships, especially young ones, stifle ones ability to branch out into other sorts of relationships..

I'll go with you on that, but there's a difference between those who don't realize it's stifling other relationships and those, like me, who think, 'hey, I don't get out as much as I should,' and do reach out and have such relationships eventually. In the end I'm not missing anything, but rather I've grown.

Early 20s, advice on meeting new friends

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