the male/female dynamic

doublediamond · May 2007

Ok, so here's the situation: At my company, a bunch of folks grab a drink after work every once in a while and I go along. There's a good mix of guys and girls, but the core group is mostly guys. I love hanging with the guys and I like the dynamic. They're fun.

However, I'm totally sensing that I may get asked out by one of them and I'm not interested. I want to keep it friendly and maintain good relations as I want to keep hanging out with them.

In the past when this has come up, I've either had a boyfriend or when I didn't, I've totally flubbed it, lied, and made the other person feel bad. I don't want that to happen.

So, how do I handle this kind of stuff without lying and still keep things cool?

em26 · May 2007

Don't let it come up.

Talk about how you don't want or need a man in your life.....you know , the single woman power thing....maybe he will get discouraged and not bother asking you out.

Lying sucks , but it's better than making someone feel like shit and losing a friend because he has the hots for you.

Start talking about your "boyfriend" to the girls in the group infront of the men.....that way he will think that you are with someone , and you won't hurt the guy because he will never tell you how he feels if he knows he has no chance.

Goodluck.

doublediamond · May 2007

Em26 wrote: Don't let it come up.

Talk about how you don't want or need a man in your life.....you know , the single woman power thing....maybe he will get discouraged and not bother asking you out.

Lying sucks , but it's better than making someone feel like shit and losing a friend because he has the hots for you.

Start talking about your "boyfriend" to the girls in the group infront of the men.....that way he will think that you are with someone , and you won't hurt the guy because he will never tell you how he feels if he knows he has no chance.

Goodluck.

This always comes and bites me in the ass, like when I start talking about how attractive someone is, or about my dating life. I'm not a very good liar.

But, it would be better to NOT be asked out to begin with. Damn my attractiveness and friendliness! Why, why must I be soooo hot?

oiseau · May 2007

Tell 'em you don't mix business with pleasure and vice versa.

shishkab · May 2007

i agree with Osieau, DD. if it happens to come up, you can defer politely and tell him that gee, that would be great, but you've made a deal with yourself never to mix dating and workplace. tell him it would simply be too messy and make you feel uncomfortable. give him the ol' "if only", and leave it at that. that way you get out of it and he gets to save face.

izisharp · May 2007

Subject: Re: the male/female dynamic

doublediamond wrote: However, I'm totally sensing that I may get asked out by one of them and I'm not interested.

Is this a woman thing? :? Buggin out over the prospect of being asked out? It's true you all can ususually tell we wanna ask you out before we even know we want to. But since it hasn't happened yet, I say act like you normally act when among male friends, don't flirt, and exude that you're completely happy to get your drink on with the crew. Furthermore, speaking as one of the millions of guys who likes the pursuit... the chase.... if you begin to seem anxious or nervous around this guy in anticipation of him asking you out, he'll sense it and probably act on it by, yep, asking you out. If it comes to that, say "awwww......we're co-workers! That never works out"... and buy his ass a drink if you feel bad.

rose · May 2007

Seriously, never date someone from your office, even if you want to. Total nightmare when it ends. Not wanting to get involved with someone you work with is a completely legitimate excuse.

alafairnadia · May 2007

the one time I dated a coworker, it was way too intense - and I'm notoriously a 'love 'em and leave 'em' girl (as in 3 months is a strangely long relationship) - so the whole thing was super traumatic ... and it was only a month!

no, seriously. we started the 'relationship' with making out in a bar in front of half our coworkers (we were seriously wasted). for my birthday, two weeks later, he gave me an ipod. loaded with his favorite music and several playlists. basically a 15gb mixtape. then he dumped me. then he asked me if we should go to vegas and get married. I said yes. and then he dumped me again. and now he's married.

in any case, one of the most up-and-down relationships I've ever been in and the fallout was so horrible I will NEVER repeat the mistake.

so DD - use the above advice and unload the dude.

of course, all of that said, some of the paralegals I sometimes work with are all marrying associates and partners at my firm (or having affairs with them and reaping cartier rewards), so sometimes I guess it's ok. but I'm totally gunshy on that level now.

whatchuwant · May 2007

Hey Nadia, get me a job there, k hon?

doublediamond · May 2007

ok, some seriously good advice here. I like the "awww, we're coworkers." Ok, good. I'll act cool.

I'm a notorious flirt, but I do have to keep that in check anyway.

alafairnadia · May 2007

Whatchuwant wrote: Hey Nadia, get me a job there, k hon?

what's sad about these girls is that I've received an hermes scarf from a partner just for working on a case - no need to put out. of course, I guess I only have one hermes scarf, and they have piles of cartier and $2,500 gift cards to barney's. okay fine. I guess fucking some 65 year old has its benefits.

in any case, I've got one foot out the door and am leveraging everything in order to get what I want and/or a massive raise to put up with a lot of bullshit. not in the right position to submit friends' resumes. bug me in 3 months.

whatchuwant · May 2007

Uh, 65? Forget it. Last thing I want to do is go from one shit job to another...

alafairnadia · May 2007

Whatchuwant wrote: Uh, 65? Forget it. Last thing I want to do is go from one shit job to another...

lol. well, I'm not hitting that shit, either. so I guess standards still exist in the universe.

doctorj · May 2007

doublediamond wrote:
But, it would be better to NOT be asked out to begin with. Damn my attractiveness and friendliness! Why, why must I be soooo hot?

Typically if you start an earnest conversation with a guy about problems with HSV, HPV, and IBS, he may find his manly desires desert him.

alafairnadia · May 2007

doctorj wrote: [quote=doublediamond]
But, it would be better to NOT be asked out to begin with. Damn my attractiveness and friendliness! Why, why must I be soooo hot?

Typically if you start an earnest conversation with a guy about problems with HSV, HPV, and IBS, he may find his manly desires desert him.

and, if you're on a first or second date, earnestly telling some dude that you think sex should only happen if you feel love will make him run, run like the wind.

it's an awesome tactic.

brooklynpotter · May 2007

i once destroyed a date by discussing hitler. and a rash.

erikka · May 2007

Maybe drop a really obvious hint, like, "It's too bad I have a strict rule against dating coworkers otherwise I'd be set!". If he doesn't get the hint, the easy letdown is usually something like, "Oh, I'm so flattered but (insert a completely bullshit but somewhat plausible excuse here: I'm sort seeing someone, just out of a nasty breakup, waiting for the herpes to clear, etc...).

The best way to not get asked out is generally to not make oneself availabe, so keep people around and make an early departure as to thwart any opportunities.

In worst case scenario...I carry a wedding ring in my wallet for just those moments. I got it off the top of a box of godiva chocolates someone gave me for valentines day and it has come in handy. If he asks why he hasnt' seen it before, just say you were estranged but are working things out. It's also great for when you're at a bar and want to let someone down easy.

I don't know....something about getting drunk with coworkers always spells trouble to me. Maybe sit a few ones out until things cool off a bit.

doctorj · May 2007

alafairnadia wrote:
and, if you're on a first or second date, earnestly telling some dude that you think sex should only happen if you feel love will make him run, run like the wind.

it's an awesome tactic.

Sounds like reasonably broad spectrum innoculation against unreformed studs and regular secular intellectuals, but a high risk tactic when it comes to the most earnest, creepy, or religious of men.

whyfi · May 2007

erikka wrote: Maybe drop a really obvious hint, like, "It's too bad I have a strict rule against dating coworkers otherwise I'd be set!".

Just watch out that it's not someone fed up with his job - it could push 'em over the edge and you'd have a starry-eyed guy with too much time and not enough money on your hands...

Side story - several years ago, I was bartending and dating the restaurant owner's little sister. When it came to an end, she vowed that she wouldn't date any more co-workers.

Less than two months later, she was impregnated by one of the other barkeeps.

I laughed. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

alafairnadia · May 2007

doctorj wrote: [quote=alafairnadia]
and, if you're on a first or second date, earnestly telling some dude that you think sex should only happen if you feel love will make him run, run like the wind.

it's an awesome tactic.

Sounds like reasonably broad spectrum innoculation against unreformed studs and regular secular intellectuals, but a high risk tactic when it comes to the most earnest, creepy, or religious of men.

true. but the guy I used this on was a VP of international currency trade for merrill lynch. he bolted. awesome.

doctorj · May 2007

alafairnadia wrote: [quote=doctorj][quote=alafairnadia]
and, if you're on a first or second date, earnestly telling some dude that you think sex should only happen if you feel love will make him run, run like the wind.

it's an awesome tactic.

Sounds like reasonably broad spectrum innoculation against unreformed studs and regular secular intellectuals, but a high risk tactic when it comes to the most earnest, creepy, or religious of men.

true. but the guy I used this on was a VP of international currency trade for merrill lynch. he bolted. awesome.

I would have used "I think you should only have sex with men if you feel in love with them and if they've demonstrated their seriousness by buying you a diversified portfolio including high yield notes, hedges, swaps and carry trades."

alafairnadia · May 2007

doctorj wrote: [quote=alafairnadia][quote=doctorj][quote=alafairnadia]
and, if you're on a first or second date, earnestly telling some dude that you think sex should only happen if you feel love will make him run, run like the wind.

it's an awesome tactic.

Sounds like reasonably broad spectrum innoculation against unreformed studs and regular secular intellectuals, but a high risk tactic when it comes to the most earnest, creepy, or religious of men.

true. but the guy I used this on was a VP of international currency trade for merrill lynch. he bolted. awesome.

I would have used "I think you should only have sex with men if you feel in love with them and if they've demonstrated their seriousness by buying you a diversified portfolio including high yield notes, hedges, swaps and carry trades."

did I mention he also had jheri (sp) curled hair and smoked like a chimney?

the male/female dynamic

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