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worldwide corporatism, and cows — Brooklynian

worldwide corporatism, and cows

pitu
pitu
edited November -1 in The Lounge / Random Stuff
email that made me laugh

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks
the other, then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell your herd and retire on the profit.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AMERICAN CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

FRENCH CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

GERMAN CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

SPANISH CORPORATISM: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

RUSSIAN CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CORPORATISM: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You have 30 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

INDIAN CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You worship them.

BRITISH CORPORATISM: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATISM: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are a Democracy.

WELSH CORPORATISM : You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

Comments

  • MOD
    MOD
    OMG that's HILARIOUS!!

    Here's mine:

    NAZISM: You have 2 cows. Invade Poland.
  • shishkab
    shishkab
    here's mine:

    IRISH CORPORATISM: You have 2 cows. You get drunk to celebrate your windfall. You challenge one of the cows to a fight and butt its head as hard as you can. You wake up on the ground with a big bump on your noggin and no cows in sight. You blame the English.
  • em26
    em26

    Subject: Re: worldwide corporatism, and cows

    pitu wrote:


    IRAQI CORPORATISM: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are a Democracy.
    ---They forgot the part where they murder your President for allegedly doing the same shit that they are doing now.

    Iraqi Corporatism : You have two cows. Your neighbor steals one.You chop his mutherfuckin' hand off-end of story.
  • escap
    escap
    How about Brooklynian-ism?

    You have two cows. Your neighbors all complain on local blogs about the smell, then chastise you for using that land to raise cows when it could go towards affordable housing. They also demand that you sell the milk at below market prices to people who have been in the community for at least two generations, but simultaneously insist that the store from which you sell it be charming, trendy, employs locals, and of course contextual. ;)
  • doctorj
    doctorj
    Scandinavian welfare state:

    You have two cows. The government sends one of them to university for 15 years, until it understands the full societal ramifications of the dairy industry, and then and only then is it allowed to start producing small quantities of exquisite butter and cheese, 60% of which the government confiscates. The state first tries the other one out as a milkmaid, and when that produces self-image problems, pays for udder enhancement surgery, but eventually it opts out of the whole milk thing. The government feeds it lots of beer. It spends the rest of its life staggering the perimeter, looking at dirty pictures of udders, and mooing menacingly at cows in the next paddock if they look like they want to join the party.
  • doctorj
    doctorj
    Hedge fund corporatism:

    You have no cows. You sell both of them in exchange for a manure contract.
  • escap
    escap
    doctorj wrote: Hedge fund corporatism:

    You have no cows. You sell both of them in exchange for a manure contract.
    ...and run a regression analysis to estimate the historical correlation of manure production by the two cows, then enter into a first-to-default credit protection contract, leveraged at 250%. When the cows prove to be worthless, you close out your short position, collect on the credit default swap, and charge your clients 2 and 20, then buy a $40 million co-op overlooking Central Park.

    (sorry, i couldn't help it--dr j provoked me)
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