MERGED: jewels burns jokes and videos
A woman was speeding along the Belt when she spotted a cop, in a car hanging out in the bushes along side the road, out the corner of her eye. The cop raced to catch up with her and pulled her over. The cop walked up to the car and asked her, "Do you know why I stopped you?"
She replied, "I don't have time for this officer. I have a very important client that I have to meet and I'm the only person in the world that can do what I do."
The cop asked, "What do you do?"
She replied, "I'm an asshole stretcher."
The cop said, "What?" and she replied, "That's right, I'm an asshole stretcher." Now the cop wanted to know what is an asshole stretcher. So she told him.
She said, "I place my finger in his asshole and move it around until I stretch it enough to get two fingers in and eventually my fist. Then I take my other hand and repeat the process while my first fist is still stretching the asshole. Once I get both fists in, I stretch out the asshole till its six feet wide."
That cop asks in astonishment, "Now what would you do with a six foot asshole?"
She said, "Put him an a police car and put the police car in the bushes."
She replied, "I don't have time for this officer. I have a very important client that I have to meet and I'm the only person in the world that can do what I do."
The cop asked, "What do you do?"
She replied, "I'm an asshole stretcher."
The cop said, "What?" and she replied, "That's right, I'm an asshole stretcher." Now the cop wanted to know what is an asshole stretcher. So she told him.
She said, "I place my finger in his asshole and move it around until I stretch it enough to get two fingers in and eventually my fist. Then I take my other hand and repeat the process while my first fist is still stretching the asshole. Once I get both fists in, I stretch out the asshole till its six feet wide."
That cop asks in astonishment, "Now what would you do with a six foot asshole?"
She said, "Put him an a police car and put the police car in the bushes."
Comments
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Subject: Joke: Fifteen
A doctor working in a hospital gets off the elevator on the psych ward floor. As he takes a step out of the elevator he hears a faint voice saying, "Fifteen, fifteen, fifteen." He walks to the right of the elevator bank and the voice gets lower. He goes back to the elevator bank and the voice resumes its previous volume. All the time the voice continues saying, "Fifteen, fifteen, fifteen." As he walks in the general direction of the voice, he realizes the volume of the voice is increasing, but still saying, "Fifteen, fifteen, fifteen, fifteen." After walking around for ten minutes, the doctor comes to a door and places his ear on it. He hears from behind the door, and much louder, "Fifteen, fifteen, fifteen, fifteen." So the doctor looks down and sees an opening where the food tray is placed and above that a peephole. He looks through the peephole. Just then he sees a finger. It hits him square in the eye. Then he hears, "Sixteen, sixteen, sixteen, sixteen." -
Good one!
-
Glad you enjoyed it.
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I didn't enjoy the joke, but I'm getting a kick out of your schadenfreude.
-
doctorj wrote: I didn't enjoy the joke, but I'm getting a kick out of your schadenfreude.
Unfortunately, we're no longer able to rate multiple posts by the same user within a 24 hour period. You'll have to settle for a virtual pat on the back. -
2 bad.
I don't get a thrill watching or reading about the misfortune of others. Whatever gave you that idea? -
Actually, I find your forum amusing. I'll take that pat on the back. Got milk?
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Subject: Joke: Room 221
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he
does, his
elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart
is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your pe* is is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in
room 221." -
Subject: Joke: Gynecologist
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
starts
rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've
got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife
again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" -
jewels_burns wrote: 2 bad.
I don't get a thrill watching or reading about the misfortune of others. Whatever gave you that idea?jewels_burns wrote: Actually, I find your forum amusing. I'll take that pat on the back. Got milk?
I got milk , if you got a cup of non-sugar sugar.
No pat on the back for you.
DrJ didn't enjoy the joke , and Whyfi wants to slap him on the ass for saying so the way he said so....or something like that.
TIP : Don't get offended - just say "Fuck you" !
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! -
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, ohhhshiiiitt.. Good one. Really. No rpoblem about the pat on the back. You ppl are getting too close too soon. I'm beginning to wonder. Maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere.
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Em26 wrote: ...and Whyfi wants to slap him on the ass for saying so the way he said so....
Uh, yeah. Have you seen his ass. He bikes.
:shock: -
I guess he doesn't need to squat?
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WhyFi wrote: [quote=Em26]...and Whyfi wants to slap him on the ass for saying so the way he said so....
Uh, yeah. Have you seen his ass. He bikes.
:shock:
Naw , I haven't checked him out yet. #-o
Nice to know you have though.
Next time I will make sure to do so. -
I don't know the guy. For that matter, I don't anyone here...at least not by their handle.
-
Come to the next Happy Hour then!
You'll have fun!) -
Subject: jewels_burns
are you a writer by any chance, doing research on internet message boards characters for your book
.
hehe see you post every where.
welcome to the message boards. hehe
and i dont believe in pm's.(if anyone ask about pming him lol) -
Where's the place?
-
Is that the joint on Washington near Brown Rockett Records?
-
omigod armchair, does that mean YOU were a writer doing research when you started posting here at the same furious rate?
is he pming you for your secrets? -
me a writer naw, i don't got the edumacation f or it!
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Is that on the corner of Flatbush, St. Marks, and 6th Avenues? If yes, that used to be a delicatessen owned by two Israelis.
-
Forgive my slow response, but I'm actually responding to three to five posts that I've made at almost the same time.
Thursdays are bad for me. I'm up at 5:15 AM every morning to get ready for work. Friday is not a day off for me. I'm up everyday at that time. Late sleep for me is waking up at 6:30 AM.
I work around machinery as I troubleshoot motor controls. Sleep is important. I've worked on roof tank controls. I've been shocked there with voltage as high as 493 Volts. My sleep is important if I don't want to be killed on the job. -
Personally, not knowing who JB is.. I find some of those jokes ranging from puerile too just plain sexist... but maybe I'm reading too much into it because I don't know who the hell this person is....
just sayin' :roll:
(been a long day....._) -
What's wrong with being sexy?
-
Honey there isn't anything wrong with being sexy.
And Banned for misinterpreting me! -
pitu wrote: omigod armchair, does that mean YOU were a writer doing research when you started posting here at the same furious rate?
Jewels Burns is a he?? I thought he was a she.
is he pming you for your secrets?Mamacita wrote: Personally, not knowing who JB is.. I find some of those jokes ranging from puerile too just plain sexist... but maybe I'm reading too much into it because I don't know who the hell this person is....
just sayin' :roll:
(been a long day....._)
Mamacita , JB is a newbie that just joined today and already has over 50 posts to his/her name.
You go boy! - Or girl ? -
jewels_burns wrote:
I work around machinery as I troubleshoot motor controls. Sleep is important. I've worked on roof tank controls. I've been shocked there with voltage as high as 493 Volts. My sleep is important if I don't want to be killed on the job.
OMG , you really are a boy!
Case closed. Knock!! -
Better watch yourself, I'll scratch your eyes out.
Howdy, Stranger!
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