Intervention on a domestic dispute--would you get involved?

I saw a show on exactly that same thing. It was a hidden camera thing, in which male and female actors, of varying ethnicities, played out different scenarios (sometimes the male was the aggressor and sometimes the female). They would pretend to be in a terrible fight (screaming, shoving, etc.) in a public place in order to see whether passerbys would get involved. Not many people stopped to intervene, but a lot of people would congregate and watch from a distance. When interviewed about why they didn't stop, people were definitely embarrassed by their own actions. The people who did intervene (some people went right up to the couple, demanding the aggressor go cool off and not leaving until they did so) looked like heroes. That show made me very aware of how I would like to behave if I ever came across something like that. So I think you did exactly the right thing. But the other woman's reaction was typical, if that tv show I saw holds any merit.

My cousin was in that dateline show in the segment about the guy who was breaking into cars in the middle of the day. She's a probation officer and very blunt (in a great way) and jumped right in the guys face confronting him and went into a restaurant to call right away. She was the only one to do anything at all.
Yes. You should definitely intervene especially when there is a man hitting a woman during an argument (and with a baby in a stroller to boot.) People can argue, but no one has the right to strike someone else and not be called on the carpet for it.
You're not going to try to be friends with that guy, so who cares if hes pissed off about you calling the cops or if the woman defends the man. At least you would have diffused the situation.
You did the right thing.

dakotas way wrote: You should definitely intervene especially when there is a man hitting a woman during an argument (and with a baby in a stroller to boot.) People can argue, but no one has the right to strike someone else and not be called on the carpet for it.
You're not going to try to be friends with that guy, so who cares if hes pissed off about you calling the cops or if the woman defends the man. At least you would have diffused the situation.
You did the right thing.

The problem with intervening is that those situations can be extremely dangerous and volatile. Unless someone was actually being killed or seriously injured in front of me, I would not try to step into it. The reason to care about whether the guy gets pissed off is that in that situation, he is likely to manifest his anger in a physical way. I have heard that police officers dread domestic violence calls because they can be very dangerous for the cops.

Calling the police is the thing to do, and I am surprised that no one else on the scene would do that.

one of my female friends intervened in a domestic altercation on the street in the middle of the afternoon a few years ago on washington avenue. all she did was ask the woman who was being shoved around if she was ok and did she want my friend to call the police. the woman told my friend to mind her own business in not-so-nice terms. pretty scary.

anyway, I generally call the cops and rarely step in. I was walking home kinda late one night and saw a guy shoving a woman and grabbing her arm on washington ave in front of the now closed PK's place. I called the cops and told them there was a big fight. no clue if anything came of it - I hightailed it home.

please do something if you see a woman being abused! i wouldn't interfere out of fear of him beating my ass but i would run to call the cops as quickly as possible.
all of the comments about it being a hard situation, she'll get pissed, she'll go back to him anyway, etc, are bullshit. who cares. i'm not there to judge her. you might have just have saved her life (even if it is for that moment)

i've seen these situations more times that i've wanted and have always called the police.

Oh man, this brings back memories. I was walking back to work with my boss one day (in DC) and we saw a guy slapping a bloody woman around and trying to drag her into a car - it was obvious they knew each other. I ran inside to call the police while my boss stopped to help (this was before cell phones were prevalent). When I ran back outside the guy had my boss and was repeatedly slamming his head in the car door. He was in the hospital for a week.

I have learned my lesson. Next time I will call the police from a distance (even though 911 didn't answer at all when I called during the above situation. It just rang and rang).

(stepping up on the soapbox)

here's the thing, ladies (and i mean ladies, not gentlemen)...

i have personally stepped in three times during situations like this, and not once has the man struck me. if you're talking about a domestic abuse situation, the abuse is just part of the powerplay by the a-hole smacking around his woman. add a different female to the mix, and the power element goes away. he isn't interested in hurting her. hurting her is just the byproduct of what he's really after: domination.

in all three instances i was outclassed, outgunned, and outranked. these were big and/or strong men beating the crap out of their women. i am not big and strong, i am overweight and getting old. in each instance, i calmly stepped between the two. i would put my hands on her, pushing her behind me, but i wouldn't physically touch the man. i'd look him straight in the eye, speak calmly but assertively and ask him to calm down, to take a deep breath, and then announce that the police had already been called (whether or not this was always the case, for one time i didn't have a call phone and was bluffing). i wouldn't say it as a challenge; i wouldn't glare or raise my voice. and in each instance it was like popping a balloon.

now, if a man were to try this, like hercules' boss, i don't think it would work nearly as well. flame me if you will, but we do live in a world where it's perfectly acceptable for men to challenge each other (whether verbally, physically, or mentally) and subsequently rise to the aforementioned challenge. but having a woman rise to the challenge throws a monkey wrench into the whole notion of machismo/domination/chest-pounding/whatever hardwired mojo most fellas have.

another thing: the third instance was terrifying. short version: man and a woman left Bar4 on 7th ave. an argument began, and man announced very loudly but matter-of-factly, "now i'm going to kill you." and he tried to do just that, while a small crowd of men (sorry, but it was no less than six guys) stood around at that "safe distance" earlier described. i was across the street. at first i thought "gee, there's a whole bunch of men over there. someone's gonna stop this." but they all just stood there, looking at the duo and looking at each other. by the time i got across the street, he had impaled her face on one of those "don't sit on me" fences (with a gaping hole to prove it), broken her jaw and one of her eye sockets, caused liver damage, ruptured her something or other ( can't remember any more what it was) internally, and tore her dress so she was topless. how do i know about the extent of the damage other than what i could see for myself? i heard all about it from the DA, cuz your's truly ended up testifying against that SOB in court. i had to pick him out of a lineup, talk to the grand jury first, the whole nine yards. in the end they found him guilty of second degree assault, too. and guess who was sitting with him in court? the girl, of course. i'd never testified in court before, and i was scared out of my mind. but i'll tell you something: i would do the whole thing all over again in a heartbeat. that lady was as stupid as they come, but at least she was alive. i have no doubt the SOB would've killed her in his blind rage. but that's not what haunts me to this day. what haunts me is that crowd of people, standing there watching, while a man tried to beat a woman to death. whatever shred of innocence i had left in me in regards to thinking that people will generally do the right thing in a bad situation washed away in that instant. and i don't mean to man-bash. i love men. i'm married to one. it's just that so many women are raised with the notion of Man as Protector, Man as Provider. it took me a couple of years to get over the fact that this aging chubby broad was the only one to take up that victim's cause.

so yes, i would get involved as i have gotten involved before. and one day it may cause me harm. but i'm just one of those foolish people who can't stand around and watch awful things happen, i guess. call me crazy if you will; it's just who i am.

(getting off the soapbox now, and preparing to duck)


edit: FWIW, the DA at the time is now a Manhattan Criminal Court Judge, and i can't think of a better woman for the job.

shishkab wrote: (stepping up on the soapbox)

here's the thing, ladies (and i mean ladies, not gentlemen)...

i have personally stepped in three times during situations like this, and not once has the man struck me. if you're talking about a domestic abuse situation, the abuse is just part of the powerplay by the a-hole smacking around his woman. add a different female to the mix, and the power element goes away. he isn't interested in hurting her. hurting her is just the byproduct of what he's really after: domination. .

All this psychobabble may well be true, but ANY cop will tell you the most dangerous calls to respond to are domestics.

If you want to do something, keep walking, get out your cell, and call 911.

pitu wrote:
My anecdotal experience is the same as hers -- that you don't run much personal risk as a civilian female stepping into this kind of situation, and that it is totally a risk worth taking. You have a high probability of verbal abuse, but that's a whole different story.

That's not my anecdotal experience. I'm proud of shishkab for jumping in and if someone else feels confident they can do it and take the risk, awesome. As long as someone is doing something about it and not just walking by ignoring the situation. Even the most timid of people have the power to pick up a cell phone and call the cops.

I've called 911 several times about violent arguments I see on the street or even overhear in the park. I've also said no when offered to leave my name and phone number for the cops. Therefore, I understand why someone might be hesitant to call.

Does this go under the current "No Snitching" idiocy?

If I saw someone getting hit, kicked, punched, or pushed on the ground, I'd probably call 911 as I was walking from the scene. Call me chicken, but I wouldn't want the attacker to see my face.

I've heard about cases in which the cops showed up and both the woman and the man denied that there was a problem.

How could those people stand there and watch this old defenseless man being beaten and not intervene?
Talk about having to answer to a higher authority some day for all of them.
Shame on them all, and of course, most of all to the attacker.

You're absolutely right about not believing what you're seeing sometimes. It does take a minute to process the absurd and disturbing. And I have to agree that domestic disputes heat up so quickly and violently it wouldn't do anyone good to physically jump in sometimes, but to make the call to the cops instead.
Although, I have jumped in before instinctively and luckily didn't get physically challenged.

You did the right thing.