I need a mattress

is my spacesuit bedbug-proof? if so, i'm moving to outer space. no mice there either.

What's wrong, DR...

This putting a slight wrinkle in your need to post childish scatological references every chance you get?

Pot, meet kettle...

Hey all.

I just bought a mattress from Sleepy's at the Atlantic Terminal Mall.

Actually I bought two.

The first one felt nice in the store but after a couple nights on it my back started to hurt and, realizing I had bought too soft a mattress, I took advantage of their if you don't dig it return policy. I'm pretty thankful for that, to be honest, as I had spent a good chunk of seriously hard-earned money on what I thought to be the perfect and forever bed.

When I went back, it turns out they're having this fat-azz Memorial Day sale and I was able to go for a serious upgrade (and a firmer model) for much, much less than I thought. If you're gonna go, go this weekend.

My first mattress came hermetically sealed in very thick plastic. I suppose there are a thousand places a bed can pick up unwanted guests between the factory and your home so it only makes sense that they do that. Plus, I would think, that bedbugs wouldn't have the intelligence to infest anything that wasn't covered in human scent. They certainly can't forsee where that thing is going, right? Maybe they's read about Trojan Horses and have plotted accordingly.

ALSO, Sleepy's sales people do have some wiggle room. They also are pros at that whole game so remember that walking out and not buying is your real leverage.

My sales guy at Atlantic was Jamel. He's pretty damn smart about these things and I'd recommend him to anyone. I had a super sh*tty experience with one of the guys at the 5th/11th store (he spoke with an Eastern European accent if you happen to encounter him - I found his approach to be 'hard sell' and somewhat insulting).

So that's that.

I'll now field questions from the audience.

--Tyrone Shoelaces.